The Time for Babies
Today's blog post is a rough one. It's sad.
I write and organize this blog to stay creative. It's how I celebrate the BEST things in life: food and travel.
While we're pretty far off topic as far as Figs and Flights content goes, this is my current reality. I'm terrified to publish this post but even more remorseful to be living this crappy phase of life.
I hope that someday I can look back and read this sad post with a sweet snuggly baby nearby and say THIS WAS WORTH THE WAIT! I hope that someone else can read this and feel understood. It seems like everyone speaks about their troubles getting pregnant only once they're on the other side and their baby has made it safely to their arms.
We are here now, still in the thick of it all.
Bryce and I met in 2008. We established that we both wanted to get married and have kids, someday. I'd just begun my career and Bryce was starting back to school. We had a lot to accomplish so there would be many years before it would be the time for babies.
Fast forward five years. In 2013 we got married and moved to Seattle. Those were huge changes. Bryce and I whole heartedly agreed that it was still not the time for babies.
In 2014 we took a delayed honeymoon to Ireland and Italy. We bought a house! It still wasn't quite the time for babies.
For a year or so we took turns feeling "ready." We weren't sure when the time for babies was.
2016 brought another trip to Europe, I couldn't NOT drink wine there, right? Finally on the horizon of our minds, on the other side of our next trip, was the time for babies.
We welcomed the arrival of the time for babies! We were both on the same page and feeling ready. After a few months I downloaded the tracking apps and started paying a ton of attention to dates throughout the month. (PS - let's talk later about how women should know more about their bodies earlier in life, k?) I bought and peed on lots of tests first thing in the morning like the instructions said, how weird! Want to know if it's the right time to "try?" Take a test. Want to know if you're pregnant? Take a test. We had a whole operation underway. It was exciting and fun and we let our little hearts start to dream about the future...
In 2017 I went to Disney World with my whole family. While there I imagined my next visit where I'd have my own stroller with a tiny baby wearing tiny mouse ears in it! 2017 wasn't the year but maybe the next Disney trip would be the time for babies.
In 2018 Bryce and I were both in a wedding. I'd put off buying a dress just in case I was pregnant by the time November rolled around. The wedding was a blast, we danced and drank the night away! 2018 wasn't the year so when would be the time for babies be?
In 2019 we had another trip to Disney World! We didn't have a baby, yet, but if we were pregnant we could take some really cute pictures in the park with the baby's name or ultrasound or something! We had our hopes up that we might be pregnant but we were wrong, we found out right before we left for Orlando. The trip was a TON of fun but certainly had a little sting to it that we'd never felt before. 2019 wasn't the year, when would our time for babies be?
Something changed over the summer. We were a little sadder. We finally did the math and realized we'd been trying for years. We didn't want to keep it all a secret anymore, it had turned into a burden. We didn't know when the time for babies was.
At the end of every year is Christmas, my favorite holiday. Each year I imagine adding another matching stocking to our collection and sharing the news with our family and friends. How many more Christmases will pass before it's the time for babies?
We know we will be parents someday, we always have. We know that we will be really good parents. Bryce will be an easy going, sports crazy Dad who's always the driver. I will be the silly Mom and the "bad Cop," plus the one who's always making us late. We are grateful for the beautiful life we've built together, our sweet and loving relationship, and our healthy bodies. We just wonder when the time for babies will be.
1/31/2020 06:16:27 pm
I am so proud of your bravery, honesty, and candor. It is so hard to be on the waiting side of something you want so badly. Something that is so private and public all at the same time. Of course there will be a time in the future when you look back and all of this will make sense, but when you are going through it that isn’t particularly comforting. For me, the harder part of waiting is the uncertainty. If you could JUST KNOW that the desire of your heart will happen on a specific date, the waiting could be bearable. Faith is hard. For what’s its worth, you have survived the last few years with so much grace. However, you are no longer allowed to carry this burden alone. I think you’ll find the more you reach out and connect with others in this situation and people who simply love you, you’ll find this trial easier to endure. You know where I am if you need me. XOXO
1/31/2020 09:12:40 pm
Now that you have shared this you will have lots of support and prayers going your way. You and Bryce are a great couple. Love to you both. 😘
Prayers for you both! & Call me if you need an added ear or question anything, we were there. The waiting is the hardest part, and honestly it brought me back to a relationship with God I needed to strengthen! The more prayers said, will only help bring hope and peace, and grace along the journey!
2/28/2020 03:07:49 pm
This post is something special Angela. I’m really proud of you. Keeping our sad/scary/dark parts buried and in the dark somehow has a way of making them grow. Bringing them into the light is fcking hard and also somehow starts to transform our relationship to them and how we experience these chapters. I, too, see this vision of you and Bryce as parents. Love you guys.
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A blog fueled by food and travel, Figs and Flights is a resource for curious travelers, foodies, yogis & book worms
Hello, I'm Angela
I'm a food obsessed blogger and world traveler
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